JEALOUSY, THAT GREEN EYED MONSTER
Jealousy. It`s a hell of a thing, isn`t it? Everybody feels it, but no
one wants the world willingly admits to experiencing it. Shakespeare
called it the `green-ey`d monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on`
(whatever that means…).
But can jealousy actually help a marriage, or preserve a relationship?
According to a psychologist, the answer is a resounding yes.
“Properly used, jealousy can enrich relationships, spark passion and
amplify commitment,” she said.
“It reaffirms that there is still a romantic attachment between two
people, especially with couples who have been together for some time.
However, jealousy is often that shield which protects the object of your
affection from the constant threat of rivals. Jealousy is a by-product of
the tremendous psychological investment one puts in love, and that`s what
raises the stakes, and makes it such a potentially dangerous emotion,
especially when people are careless with their partner’s feelings.”
On the other hand, there are those who deliberately set out to cause
jealousy to boost their self-esteem to get attention or revenge, or just
to see how their partners feel about them. Provoking men`s jealousy is a
traditional female weapon, and ironically, it is the total absence of
jealousy, rather than its presence, is a more ominous sign for romantic
partners.
In a Spank survey conducted recently, 7 out of 10 women polled,
admitted to deliberately provoking jealousy in their men just to prove how
much they loved them at one time or another.
“It’s a game that women like to play,” Karen Robinson, a 28 year-old
accounting clerk, admitted. “If you cannot make your man jealous of the
attentions you might be getting outside, then something is seriously wrong
with the relationship. The trick is to not go too far or to be unfaithful.
When that happens, it’s no longer just a game.”
Human beings do vicious things to each other. Tales we hear around the
edges of conversations but don`t fully explore or try to comprehend until
they explode in violent headlines.
Jealousy is a dangerous emotion. It has caused the deaths of loved ones
through the centuries and remains a primary factor in the abuse of women.
“Even when it is a mere perception, jealousy commonly causes havoc in
close relationships. The thought that your partner may be seeking a new
love brings feelings of anger, fear, anxiety and low self-esteem,” another
psychologist said.
In June last year, 32-year-old Neville Gray ended his 14-month-old
marriage by slashing his wife`s, (Christine) throat, then hanged himself
about 200 metres away on a mango tree in Goldburn district, Lawrence
Tavern, St. Andrew.
They left behind three young children. Last year, there was an attempted
murder/suicide in East Kingston involving an estranged husband who moved
out of the matrimonial home, but frequently dropped in on his wife and his
son. He decided to speed up the estrangement with mixed results.
In February 1992, Errol Cummins shot his estranged wife Murine, then
shot himself in the head at Mrs. Cummins home at 37 Hope Boulevard, St.
Andrew, leaving behind their two-year-old daughter who apparently
witnessed the gruesome slaying of her mother.
“I know women who mistake jealousy for a measure of love, but used this
way, it is simply a manipulative tactic for short-term gain at the expense
of longer-term trust. On the other hand, men use jealousy as an
anticipatory response — a pre-emptive strike if you will † to head off an
infidelity that might be lurking on the horizon,” Carlton Willis, a 34
year-old advertising executive, opined.
But it`s playing with fire, because men`s need to protect their ego can
cause them to impulsively end a relationship if they feel betrayed.
“When it happens to a guy, he immediately thinks: what are people
saying? Are they laughing at ME? What do they think of ME? Why did she do
this to ME?” Mr. Willis said.
“It is difficult to deal with a jealous lover and psychological
counselling may be necessary. But you`ve seen the headlines `Woman killed
or wounded by Former Lover` too many times to believe that we`re dealing
with the problem effectively.
Interestingly, jealousy enjoys a curious double standard in the
society: jealous women are characterised as pitiful and clinging, while
jealous men are sympathised with because they suffer righteously † after
all, their territory has been poached on!
“That`s why sometimes, violence perpetrated by jealous men is almost
tacitly condoned by society against women who are believed to be
unfaithful,” Jackie Taylor, a self-admitted feminist, and customer service
representative, said.
“I have no doubt that in a substantial number of these cases, men are
in the wrong, but there are quite a few Jezebels out there. Look at the
case of Carmen, or of Flaubert`s Madame Bovary, women are no angels, they
are not here on Earth merely trying to earn their wings. They cheat too. I
just have a problem with the fact that society expects men to keep these
sort of women in line, even through force,” Ms. Taylor added.
Some theories propose that jealousy is an immature emotion, a sign of
insecurity, neurosis or flawed character. Others believe it is a necessary
evil.
“It is predicated to ensure our survival and the continuation of our
lineage. It is our genetic hardwiring that makes jealousy such a dangerous
emotion, and it always will be,” one sociologist opined.
So beware the green eyed monster. It feeds. On love.
